They say that we are the sum total of the 5 people we spend the most time around. Never before did I truly understand the meaning of this and what it implies. Most of us are only a composite of the fragments of people we think we identify with. We imbibe some fragments consciously and more, subconsciously. So, how do we discover where others end and where we begin?
This pandemic (and my husband) have made me realise that I was a social chameleon and somewhere over time, I took on the colour of the people surrounding me. When you’re left alone with yourself and your thoughts, it can be downright scary. I craved social interaction and felt suffocated in my own home. My husband, somehow, became even more chirpy during this period. He was reading self-help books all day, watching videos, listening to lectures, joining clubs he always wanted to be a part of and actively participating in them (online, of course). Every morning he would come to me and share the most interesting tidbits he learned the previous night. I loved how happy he seemed as opposed to how distracted and exhausted he used to be when we went to work.
I needed to pause and introspect. Hoping to reach his level of enthusiasm, I got back to things I had been meaning to do for a long time. I baked bread, cookies and cake. I took a course in poetry, one in graphic design and yet another on counselling for new mothers. I read about a variety of topics... parenting, psychoanalysis and general self help books and articles. The best part was that I didn’t have anyone to bounce my thoughts off of, mould my opinion or tell me theirs. It was just me. I had the mental room to form original thoughts. And I realised I had pretty polarising ones about certain topics. It dawned upon me that my popularity among friends and family was possibly because I was agreeable and non-confrontational. Because I provided only a re-affirmation of their pre-existing opinions.
I started freely expressing myself on certain subjects on social media platforms (I finally HAD some thoughts of my own). A small but highly interested group of people gravitated towards me and started liking my posts. They encouraged me to post more and even came up to me for parenting and relationship advice. (Some of them veteran mothers) Others started distancing themselves from me. And to my surprise, I was okay with that! I was very comfortable with my own thoughts and did not mind being disagreeable to some. It made me feel so powerful. I feel like my connections with certain people have strengthened since and I have gotten rid of all the noise. I can hear my own voice in this newfound silence.
In a relatively short amount of time, I have found my gut and my authentic self. This is a huge deal not only for me but also for my daughter. How can I be a good role model for her if I don’t know who I am? How can I teach her to be independent if my mind isn’t free? How can I ever let go of her later in life, if I am not comfortable with just myself?
It’s definitely a work in progress and I am yet to find the whole answer to who I am, really. But I’m glad I’ve at least started asking the question.
How has this pandemic changed you? Let me know, I would love to hear from you.
Stay safe!
Love,
Pooja
I really, really loved this! So relatable to so many of my friends and amazing writing!
Who are we? Good questions, Pooja. It's always important to think about it